Dear No One,
I would be lying if I said that waiting is easy. I have broken down at least a handful of times since we went active. When I say broken down, I mean out loud, sobbing, shaking, the whole works. I have no control over these moments. They just hit me, and I have to let it out before I can move on. It doesn’t matter where I am. In the car. In bed. At work. It hits me like a wave.
I knew about a week into our wait that I needed to find a way to make this experience a happy, positive one. From every mom I have ever talked to, I know they give up a lot once they become mothers, and they have no time to be selfish. I decided, “I don’t have a baby. I can be selfish. I can do whatever I want.” (within reason of course)
I decided that any decision that I was questioning whether I should do it or not, I would just say “yes.” When you have anxiety, saying “yes” to everything is not easy. I love routine. I love planning ahead. I struggle trying new things. I would often rather stay at home on the couch and watch TV because it’s comfortable. But I did it! I said “yes” to life, and I have had so much fun.
What have I done you ask?
- Bought tickets to Florida Georgia Line last minute. It was pouring rain. It was muddy. It was SO. MUCH. FUN!
- Tried out Taste of St. Louis and went to the free Jerrod Niemann concert.
- Went on dates in the middle of the week.
- Got asked to play slow pitch softball. I said yes! I have NEVER played softball in my entire life. I never would have said yes in the past. I did, and I loved it. I made a fool of myself, and I didn’t care. The first time I got a hit and got on first base, I looked back at Marcus and squealed like a little girl.
- Drink, blare music, dance on the coffee table…on a Wednesday evening.
- Started a sand volleyball league. I have always loved playing it, and I’m so excited to finally set up my own team.
- Decided on a Tuesday to throw a party on Friday (that’s not enough time for a planner). Tons of food, apple pie jello shots, fire pit, friends. What more could you ask for?
- Laid on the couch ALL day. I really mean all day. We got up to go to the bathroom and get food. Then we went to bed.
- Drove an hour and a half to visit Elephant Rocks. It has been on my list for 3 years. We finally did it.
- Got asked to go to a baseball game on a Monday night. Although it was an awful game, it was so much fun to get out of the house on a beautiful, fall evening.
Maybe this doesn’t seem very extreme for an outgoing, adventurous person, but it has been a really important month for me. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve tried new things. I’ve made new friends. I have had so much fun. I will never forget some of these moments, and I never would have had them if we already had Baby Hemi.
Don’t get me wrong, I would give it all up to have our baby. But we don’t. We don’t have a baby. At least once a day, I have a moment of sadness. I shed tears all the time. If I let that consume me, though, I wouldn’t make it through the day. Instead, I am choosing to live. I am saying “YES!”